Very Amusing Letter

["Terry Colvin" <colvint@fhu.disa.mil>]

Forwarded message...

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Subject: Very Amusing Letter
Author:  GENERALLYWEIRD Distribution List <generallyweird@Nexus.integral.org> at
smtp-fhu
Date:    18/01/1996 1125

Greetings Everybody

This E-Mail's rather long for its humorous content, but it's 
WELL WORTH reading:

Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsyl vania Ave
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labled 
"211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid 
skull."  We have given this speciman a careful and detailed 
examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with you 
theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of 
Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago."  Rather, it 
appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of 
the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to 
be the "Malibu Barbie."  It is evident that you have given a great 
deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be 
quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior 
work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your 
findings.  However, we do feel that there are a number of physical 
attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to
it's modern origin:
     1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains
  are typically fossilized bone.
     2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9
  cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest 
  identified proto-hominids.
     3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more
  consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the 
  "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the 
  wetlands during that time.  This latter finding is certainly one 
  of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your 
  history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh 
  rather heavily against it.  Without going into too much detail, 
  let us say that:
        A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie Doll that
     dog has chewed on.
        B. Clam's don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your 
request to have the specimen carbon dated.  This is partially due 
to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and 
partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of 
recent geological record.  To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie 
Dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely 
to produce wildly inaccurate results.  Sadly, we must also deny 
your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's 
Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen 
the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino."  Speaking 
personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of 
your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the 
species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound 
like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this 
fascinating specimen to the museum.  While it is undoubtedly not a 
hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example 
of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so 
effortlessly.  You should know that our Director has reserved a 
special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens 
you have previously submitted tot he Institution, and the entire 
staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your 
digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard.  We 
eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you 
proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the 
Director to pay for it.  We are particularly interested in hearing 
you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating 
fillifitation of ferrous ions on a structural matrix" that makes 
the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex femur you recently 
discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears 
Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
     Yours in Science,
  Harvey Rowe
  Curator, Antiquities


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